Pain and Sorrow

FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK CUNT.

So this morning marked the end of a relationship for me. It was great while it lasted, but much like the other relationships I have had that have ended, I seemed to be the main cause of the break up.

I do set shift work. One month on days, one month on nights. This is a set roster that I have no control over. This was not good enough for ‘M’. It meant that I was exhausted due to seeing him after night shifts, and when back on day shifts it took me a while to get back into the swing of things. I spent my available time and money on him, and this was not enough. It boiled down to me seeming uninterested as my work schedule is inconvenient.

With regards to flaws, everyone has them, and I am especially aware that I have quite a few. For example, I don’t tend to compromise things often. In terms of the relationship with M, I knew he wasn’t happy with my work hours, and NEWS FLASH, neither am I. The difference between M’s view on the hours and mine boiled down to me not liking the hours but knowing that it a part of my job so dealing with them, and M believing that I make a choice to do night shift, no matter how much I explained that it was not my choice. Now back to compromise/adjustment. Understanding that M didn’t like me doing night shifts as it made it a bit more difficult to see me as often as he wants, I started actively job hunting. At this point in my life of trying to control and master my anxiety, I only possessed the capacity to apply for internal jobs, none of which I was successful in (huge blow to the self-confidence). What hurt a lot about M’s reason for breaking up with me was the fact that I was doing what I could to change the situation to benefit us being able to see each other more.

Now I know that this is M’s issue and not mine, and there was more that he said that I won’t go into. But what he said put a massive dent in the self-confidence that I had built up over the last few months. The thing I am struggling with the most is that the issues are M’s alone, but he seemed to be able to turn them around and make them seem like my fault, and I know this, but anxiety brain flips into full steam ahead mode and questions EVERYTHING. Everything from finding things that he said that weren’t true, and seeing them as legitimate things when I should, to what I did wrong so that I don’t put myself in that situation again or do those things next time.

A downside to M doing this morning is that I had a couple of dear friends joint birthday dinner tonight. It was at a beautiful little Italian restaurant with a group of close friends. Having had things explode this morning meant that I sat mostly quietly at dinner with my legs jittering and wishing me to get up and just run from the anxiety that I was feeling about all my flaws and who at the table know those flaws and might be getting fed up with them.
Disadvantage of that is that I KNOW that they are the most awesome people who love me.
Plans after dinner were to go for a few drinks at a bar which I single-handedly destroyed by not being able to cope with public anymore and needing to come home. That was ok with people and instead they came back to husuband and my house to have drinks here, and I have sat in my room hiding from social interactions for fear of destroying it more by becoming emotional all over their faces.

I have sat in my room playing Slime Ranger, listening to Spotify, and now writing this feeling like utter dirt for ruining my now ex-relationship, and probably putting a dampener on an awesome night that could have happened had I been able to control my emotions and anxiety.

So between destroying a relationship and 2 friends birthday party I can’t feel much lower right now so am going to take meds and fall into a slumber hoping to wake up with fresh eyes tomorrow.

Sweet dreams beautiful world.

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I am an emotional person

And that’s okay…. to a point. I know I have talked about this before, but it is something that I am struggling with.

If I gathered all the people I know, and put them into the Olympics for emotion, I am certain that I would medal, if not take first place.
I invest far too much emotion into all things I do. I am emotional at work, I am emotional at home, I am emotional when I am with HRH. In some instances this is fine, and sometimes even great. But I I haven’t really sat down and worked out the difference between when investing the intense emotion is beneficial or not.

For example, today I dealt with a situation at work where an order was submitted wrong something like 8 times. I deal with the customer and had sent multiple emails to confirm what needed to be done, and it was still logged incorrectly. As I had dealt with the customer who was quite angry about the situation, I had been following up on the order and was getting quite emotional and angry about the situation. I felt helpless, and this put me in a baaaaaad mood. Then I was snapped at by a workmate while took me back, and I haven’t been able to shake the gloom/anger that I have been feeling since first thing thins morning.

One of the issues I have with this is that in retrospect, or even with the way that I feel now, I know that I should just accept that issues happen, people have bad days, and I should be able to take it in my stride, but I fall into the trap every single time.
I need a bell to ring every time a situation arises that could cause me to react badly towards a small situation, so that I can stop and take a breath and think about whether it is worth letting the situation destroy my day or not.

I have been making sure that I have been taking my medication every day, and have struggled with fatigue the last few days. I mean, the quetiapine is doing a great job with helping me sleep, but I still have issues waking up, and shaking the tired. I know that coffee is not the best idea, but dreams of a caffeine drip spiral in my brain.
Tomorrow I am thinking of trying the old wives tale of an apple helping wake you up in the morning.

For now, I have an hour and a half left of work, and I am listening to The Pointer Sisters to try and get out of this funk.

Love for now,

James xx

I’m a cunt

The last week at work has been horrible. Capped off by a brutal Friday.
Things started well yesterday, and then took a sharp downwards incline in a deep-sea of shit. I worked before I started, and I worked after I had finished. Fixing issues that needed to be done before the weekend. I plied myself with alcohol and got it done.

When I got home, I had intended to feed Luna and disappear into my room for sleep. When upstairs I was prompted to talk by Husuband to just rant everything out. We ended up sitting at the door smoking and talking while I got increasingly more drunk. It wasn’t an easy conversation to have, but one that was 1000% needed. Husuband didn’t hold back and made me realise that I have been a total bitch to many people in my life at the moment, and mostly to HRH.

I have issues that I have held onto from a long time from a previous relationship that I have been pushing and molding HRH without realising to try to make him ideal and perfect. What I realised, and was told by Husuband is that he is already perfect for me, and exactly what I need. He treats me like a queen, and I seem to have been subconsciously trying to set fire to anything beautiful that could happen.

I didn’t sleep particularly well last night as I had a lot going through my head, but the little sleep that I did get was with the 2015 World Gymnastics Championship playing on my TV, and I was able to mostly sort out the things going through in my head.

I have been making excuses for my actions and feeling, and the worse excuse I have been using is my anxiety. I have anxiety, yes. But my new medications are doing a great job to mostly eradicate the anxiety. So from now, I am going to try to not use anxiety as an excuse for nuking everything that could be great and beautiful.

HRH, if you are reading this, I am sorry. I promise to be better, I promise to be less or a cunt, and I promise to be nothing but the real me, in a relationship with the real you.

Love always,

James xx

The Consumption

The consumption is rife within my body. I fear I don’t have long left (jk).

I went to work this morning, after feeling like I was going to power chunder on the front steps of my house. I managed to take a few calls before resigning to the fact that my voice sounded like a raspy old mans, and was causing throat pain. Mega sad face. So I consulted my boss and was approved for 4 days off to recover, and go to the doctors. 

I came home from work and hopped into bed. I fell asleep while watching Pokemon on Netflix, and woke up toastie warm, and covered in sweat. Yay sickness!

Today I have had huge cravings for take away foods, but didn’t manage to consume any food until 5pm when I had a double cheese toastie. 

For tonight I shall take some medicine and try to get an early night with a sleep in tomorrow. 

Sorry for the short blog, but I am exhausted, and need to rest up.

Love always,

James xx

Time to start again

All the best intentions in the world mean nothing if they aren’t followed through on.
The last month has been a slow spiralling downhill decline. My mind has been blank, the emotions have ruled, and the exhaustion has made itself comfortable.

The inability to deal with these things hit a couple of weeks ago when dealing with a customer at work. Thankfully I had a period after that call to recollect, and I managed to hold it together during the call.

I am thinking that not writing things down may have caused things to pile up and fester.
So it is time for me to start writing every day again, and getting everything out so that I can go about getting a proper, well rested sleep to tackle the days as they come.

Having said that, not everything has been bad recently. I may have man flu with my throat being on fire, and having to cover rent for the empty room for two weeks resulting in paying over half my pay on rent, but I will move on to positive things.

Husuband bought some Strepsils throat spray with anaesthesia to numb my throat. I also have some great news regarding my personal life. I am no longer a single man struggling through this life alone! I met a wonderful guy, went on a fair few dates, and now we are in a relationship! He is kinda and caring, and a laugh riot to be around. It is still early stages, and trying to not do my typical thing of putting all eggs in one basket with it, but more taking things as they come and enjoying having someone who can make me smile from receiving a text from them, and anticipate seeing them whenever I can.
He knows the negatives that I am dealing with a the moment, and is aware that they are things that I am working on to remedy ASAP.

Through discussion with the hunk of ridiculous hotness (HRH), a fire for travel has been lit and I want to get out of the country as soon as I possibly can. And when I say that, I don’t mean forever, but for exploration and horizon broadening. So said hunk and I are looking at going to Sydney at some point for a long weekend, and I am also hella keen to head to the Pacific Islands somewhere for a week or two to attempt to tan my creamy mayo skin.

With regards to work stresses, those are still alive and kicking with late shifts starting after one more week of early shifts. No rest for the wicked! I have, however, planned to get some skates to hasten the trip from work to the bus, and from the first bus to the second. This will also be great in summer as I will be able to just skate home from town (depending on how hard it is to skate up hill :S ). Thankfully my husuband knows a thing or two about skates from her roller derby days, and has agreed to help me shop for some decent skates. WA HOOOOOO!

Now to talk about the anxiety fun. I think the last time I spoke in-depth about it, I had just changed from one medication to three medications. This cocktail of drugs appears to be helping more than the one as the anxiety has mostly come under control. With the amount of things happening in my life at the moment, I kind of forgot about the Beat the Blues course, so will make sure to pick this back up ASAP so that hopefully I will manage to successfully beat the beast, and maybe one day be able to stop the medication.
It is also interesting when I forget to take the medication one time (as I have done once before), which had a HUGE effect on the following day, resulting in me sending a message to my good friend at work saying “I AM NOT DOING OK”. Thankfully she is an amazing human being, and seems to be able to calm and sooth the monster back into submission.

Unfortunately, being sick throws out all strength and I awkwardly burst into tears on Friday night as I was feeling utterly shitty, and in a large amount of pain all through my body. This caused me to have to go to bed, and my man thing having to go home to prevent him getting sick too (I don’t think this was successful as he is getting sniffly. Sorry babes).
I am normally a relatively sensitive person, but being ill just heightens this 1000 fold and turns me in a gooey puddle of emotions, so I sit here in bed today with my medication, and abundance of water to prevent further embarrassment with emotions, and trying to rest up to beat this sickness bitch ASAP.

HRH referred me to Stranger Things, and I have watched a couple of episodes of that on Friday night, and also told Husuband about it, so I feel it will be something that we end up watching. Today, however, spurred by Pokemon Go, I am watching the original Pokemon series.

For now, I am going to put Pokemon back on, and possibly nap.

Love forever,

James xx

Small stuff

It’s been a few days since writing last, and that is due to the last few days being a wee bit of a write off.

The medication is still knocking me for 6.

Monday and Tuesday were relatively easy going.
Dinner Monday night was at The Flying Moa for their unlimited ribs special that they do every Monday, and I was pleasantly surprised at my ability to finish the entire plate that was placed in front of me.

Yesterday was a bit interesting. I forgot to take my anxiety meds in the morning, and was starting to feel a little funny around 10am. This reminded me of the mistake that I had made, and I promptly took them.

At lunch time I was talking with a workmate that is having a few issues at the moment, and and had a moment of profundity. Workmate was dealing with some major issues, and  preempting issues that hadn’t occurred. I reminded the work mate that it was preemptive to expect something bad to happen, and that they needed to think of the ‘wins’ that they have had instead of just waiting for the issues to come about.

This prompted me to think about how I constantly look for the big ‘wins’, and preempt the bad things that could happen, and forget to recognise the small ‘wins’ that I have in my life.
It is so easy to focus on the negative things, and the possible negative things that could happen. And once you are comfortable doing that, it becomes a habit. For instance, at my job a couple of years ago, whenever my boss booked a meeting, I would instantly assume the worst.
So I have come to realise that it is time for me to re-train my brain into looking at the small ‘wins’ that I get each day, and recognising these. That way I will slowly get rid of the unhealthy negative thoughts that swim around in my head.

Back to work now!

James xx

I’m a Unicorn

Today was pretty good. Woke up around 9am, and sat in bed watching some YouTube.
Following this, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and started on the lounge when Husuband woke and came out. We went out shopping with the usual stops, plus stopping at Spotlight and Look Sharp. At Spotlight we stopped and said hello to Roxi, and showed her the jersey that I made for Husuband. It was lovely to catch up with her as it’s been a couple of months since we last saw her. We went to Look Sharp to get Husuband some incense, and they had a sale on for onesies. Husuband found a unicorn, and bought it for me. So this blog is brought to you by a snuggly unicorn.

This afternoon I have spent on the couch watching TV and playing Minecraft. The exhaustion has continued, and the day was spent yawning. I have just put a chicken in, marinaded in honey soy marinade for us to have for dinner. We will be making roast chicken buns with various deli salads. YUM!

After a good rest tonight, I will sit down tomorrow and do some art as it is the thing that I commited to as part of the Beat the Blues course. The thought of this is a bit daunting as it’s been so long since I last sat down and art-ed. But the first step is to sit down and see what comes to me. So while there is fear, there is also excitement to see what happens.

The amount of exhaustion that I have at the moment lends to feelings of somewhat hopelessness, and whether I am destined to constantly feel like I am liking in a dream without sleep. I know that there is a period that my body needs to get used to the meds, but this constant tired feeling is getting old. And it doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I am still feeling like I didn’t sleep at all. The utter tiredness also leads to sensitivity. The added bonus of the unicorn onesie is that it is soft and fluffy, so nice and warm and cozy.

Brain not working anymore, so I shall finish here.

Much love,

James xx