Long Overdue

In a past time of my life, I worked at the cafe of the Auckland Art Gallery. Our team was the first team to operate the cafe after the gallery had been refurbished. It was amazing when we first went to the gallery to check out the cafe. It was before the art gallery was re-opened, and there was still construction work going on.
The cafe was beautiful! And the team that I worked with was, for the most part, awesome people. Sadly, once I left the cafe, life kicked into overdrive, and it resulted in me losing contact with everyone from the cafe.

I had a beautiful moment the other day while I was listening to Spotify. While going through the Discover Weekly playlist, Fuck the Pain Away, by Peaches, came on. I happened to check Facebook, and Facebook suggested one of the cafe staff that I was good friends with. I had her on my old Facebook, but when I created a new Facebook, I hadn’t remembered to add her. At this point, I hastily friend requested her.She accepted, and we started chatting again. We ended up meeting up for a drink and long overdue catch up last night.

Fanny and I sat at The Attic in Mission Bay, me with wine, and her with beer, and we just talked. Reminisced about the good old days at the cafe, talked about what had happened over the last 3 years of lost contact, and just laughed about being back with each other.
She had dinner, and I perved at the INCREDIBLY good-looking American waiter. The unfortunate thing about going to The Attic is that I am well-known there by the staff due to the frequent visits from The Asian and I. So I walked in and the hot American asked if he should pour up a tequila shot, making me look like an alcoholic in front of Fanny. She didn’t mind though, and I explained to her that The Asian and I normally have at least 1 tequila shot when we go there.

Once back at home, and fairly tipsy, I told the Husuband about my evening, and then headed to bed.

While drifting off to sleep I was thinking about how funny it is that there are people who you can go for years without seeing or talking to, and yet when you see them again, it is like no time has passed. Those are the true friends and relationships that I want my life to be based on.
One of the other people in my life like this has been a part of my life since primary school. We were best friends at school, and when I moved primary schools, we lost contact for a few years until I saw her on Facebook while living in a youth facility for people who are a danger to themselves. I added her on facebook and we started talking. After a wee while of chatting, I told here about my situation at the time, and she came and visited me at the facility regularly. The only person to regularly come and visit me. Since then, we have lost contact and regained it many times. And the greatest things is that everytime it is like we spoke last week. I love Chanelle (and her son) for ever, and for always ❤

Much love,

James xx

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The Power of Passion

It never ceases to amaze me how we can sometimes lose touch with the things that we love doing, and not realise it. The follow up to this is when you find someone that has the same passion, and it throws some fuel on the slowly dying embers to create a fire. 

This morning followed the same pattern as the last few, and was relatively easy (minus the part where my body screamed “WHYYYYYYY” when I tried getting out of bed). I decided to stop and get Burger King for breakfast (a healthy breakfast kickstarts a productive day 😝). I consumed at my desk and said good morning to my friends, and smiled to those who I am not so well aquatinted with. 

After a very interesting series of conversations with a noob at work, which ended with him saying that he was going to fire spinning after work, I messaged him this morning asking how it went. This started a conversation that continued the whole day on and off. It was awesome to talk to someone so rad, and just talk shit. 

I learnt a lot about the noob today, and he learnt a lot about me. We talked about his passion for circus arts, and I talked about mine, and my gymnastics past. The conversation moved through to me and my craft, and he asked if I would be able to make something that he had been looking at purchasing, and sent me a link to a website that was selling a multipurpose almost tool belt. The concept was awesome! It has pockets for a cellphone, a camera, a pocketknife, a pouch for fire poi, and a few other pockets for miscellaneous items. I took a look and the cogs started turning about how I would pattern and make it. Due to noob leaving the country in about a month, and me accepting his challenge, we became Facebook friends to keep in contact once he was gone. 

Through the space of the conversation that we had throughout the day, he had restarted the fire for both sewing and circus without even knowing he had done so. 

So tonight I shall start patterning the storage belt thing for noob, while sitting in splits in my room to retrain my flexibility. 

With regards to work, there was nothing especially bad that happened. I had a great ongoing conversation with The Face today as she had found a Facebook post about taking movie titles and replacing one word in the movie title with the word ‘Fanny’. So we spent most of the day firing hilarious movie titles at each other, and had each other in fits of laughter to the point of tears.

I went and visited Moriarty at work during my lunch break, and looked at fountain pens. 

ENTER THE UNIVERSE: THE BEST ACCOUNTANT IN THE WORLD. 

I attempted to log into my mobile banking to check funds for fountain pens, and much to my dismay, mobile banking was down, resulting in the inability to check fundage for fountain pens. After visiting Moriarty I walked back to work and on the way, saw that the Bernina store was open. HEAVEN. I walked into the store and immediately regretted in due to the amount of craft things they had that I could not purchase. Again, leaving another store in dismay. 

Enter another appearance of Moriarty. I bumped into him on the way from the Bernina store to work and had another chat. 

Back at work I dove back into phone calls and the movie title game with The Face. The arrival of 4pm and alcohol was a welcome arrival, and I got myself a glass of sparkling rosé. 

At 7pm, I hitched a ride to the bus stop, and managed to get there in time for the fancy double decker bus. I got on the bus and headed to the second level. I then noticed the glowing USB ports in the back of each chair. AMAZE. This allowed me to give my phone an extra 18% battery to continue with the blog! GREAT SUCCESS. 

So here I am, waiting at the bus stop for the second bus home, anticipating the somewhat comforting strain of flexibility training, and creation of a pattern for a new craft project. I am thinking that I will start another page for my blog associated to this for my craft ventures and progress of flexibility, but that is something I shall decide on completely another day. 

Much love,

James xx

Hello? Yes, this is Anxiety

This will be an interesting blog for me to write as the throws of anxiety are in full force, and creating a tsunami of havoc internally.

This blog is written with tear filled eyes after a call to the Anxiety New Zealand help line.

It’s amazing how big things become when anxiety is involved. The mess it creates, and the other effects that the anxiety has stem further than the brain. For instance, this afternoon it caused waves of sick feelings, rapid speaking, and the shakes.
The result of this was me having to leave work for fear of throwing up, or crying on a phone call with a customer. Once home, I have crawled into bed, and spent the majority of the last 2 and a half hours on the edge of tears, and the remainder of the time actually in tears.

Side note, I have a watch-cat sitting on my knee giving me purring head boops as if to reassure me that everything is ok. She is a beautiful cat, and we have a special bond.

On the phone with the lady from the Anxiety New Zealand help line, we talked through my desire, and the necessity to establish some coping mechanisms to control and shrink the feelings of turmoil. She gave me a few things I can try, and these I shall list below. Both for myself in the future, and anyone reading this.

  1. With closed eyes, breathe in deeply through my nose for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds, and breathe out slowly through my mouth for 3 seconds.
  2. If something extra is required, (with eyes closed) clench fists while inhaling deeply through my nose, then slowly relax my fists as I exhale slowly through my mouth. Rinse and repeat for shoulders, stomach, thighs, and calves. Finished off by the whole body.
  3. Mental visualisation. Close my eyes and picture walking through the forest, feeling the breeze, and hearing the trees rustle. Or picture walking along the beach with the warm sun beating down, and the feeling the sun underneath my feet.
  4. The lady also suggested verbally acknowledging when I feel the anxiety coming on, and saying “Yes, this is anxiety. And I am in control of this. This will not beat me down.”
  5. She also suggested writing down how I feel when the anxiety is coming, or is full throw. To allow me to get it out and unwind the tangle of mess in my head.

THIS is what I was looking for when I went to the work funded councillor. Some actual coping mechanisms to try. Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion that there is a quick fix to all my anxiety issues, and no mechanism that is universally magic at cooling the anxiety fire. I full understand and accept that anxiety is a journey, and with each journey, it is different for every person who stumbles along the path. What I plan to do is gather a collection of coping mechnisms and noting them down here for me to try, and also pass them on to others who may need them in the future. This way, I will be able to work out what works best for me, and what works for others may be available in my writings.

I appreciate every single person who reads this, and follows my journey. I understand those who read for the purpose of following what is happened, but would also appreciate messages from people with their journies, trials, and solutions so that we can walk hand and hand without feeling like this is something that we are dealing with alone.
I am also open to answering questions, and building friendships.
So don’t be scared to contact me through the blog. I will respond.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
– Reinhold Niebuhr

Much love,

James xx

Friday Fun-Day

After a fair sleep in and doing some unexciting personal things, I am heading off into town to meet the husuband for a few drinks before going to Mistress’ leaving drinks. Tonight will be out of the house, and social! So much looking forward to this. There is anxiety and some stomach sickness regarding leaving the safety of sanctuary at home, but it’s a step in the right direction, and that is always good.

I enjoy leaving the comfort of home and comfortable clothes occasionally, for the sole purpose of the reactions that people give when they see my bright purple hair. The wonder, the happiness and joy, and sometimes disapproval. I take it all in my stride because I know that I am happy with how I present myself, and there is nothing offensive about how I dress, or my hair colour.

Walking into the husuband’s work, I breathe a sigh of relief as people here know me, and I am safe with my husuband. The smiles and catch ups that I get, are amazing, and make me feel at home. We sit scrolling through her Facebook feed and the laughter ensues.

Drink:

  • Isaacs Original Cider

The husuband has excellent sounds in her motor vehicle and we are blasting music while belting out singing. Picked up the husuband’s side chick, and head off to the bar!

Drink:

  • Isaacs Original Cider

Now nicely settled at The Zookeepers Son. So many hot boys at the bar, and none for Gretchen Wieners 😭

Drink:

  • Rum and coke

The beer batter fries at The Zookeepers Son are amazing! And their aioli is perfect. The company is not too bad either 😜 The interesting thing for me is that the environment made a difference to me. I was around people who I am super comfortable with, the environment of being in a very busy bar with strangers all around made some anxiety rare its ugly head. I nipped it in the bud, and continued to socialise. Great success! Fortunately for me, my ride home rivalled me for exhaustion, and she dropped me home.

So here I sit, home alone. Luna running around like a psycho, and safely under my rainbow blanket. I will be watching C.I. until I fall asleep.

Much love,

James xx

Perfect Plethora of Patience and Persistance

Patience is not one of my strong suits, and is something that is being worked on. In my life at the moment, patience is a big thing that I need to understand and accept as a constant part of day to day life. Most situations involve patience. Whether it be patience while waiting for a coffee at a cafe, patience waiting for a customer to provide information, or patience with improvements and changes that are being made on a grand scale.
For instance, I need to learn patience for the changes that I am making to become a happy, whole person. Life changes are generally not flick of the switch, overnight changes, and need to be chipped away at. I am commited to putting in the time and effort for these as I know that they will definitely be worth it.

I also had another lesson in patience and persistance today. I purchased some fancy phone charging cables (HELLA EXCITING) online at Christmas/New Years, and still have not received them. I have checked in with the company on regular occasions, and was confirmed just over 2 months ago that my order would be sent the following week. Since then, I have not heard a thing, nor received my package (insert sad face). I finally received a response to my emails this evening from the shipping company who confirmed that my package has not been sent yet as they are waiting on the company that I bought the orders from. FINALLY SOME FORM OF TRACTION. Eben though it isn’t the traction that I was hoping for, being patient and persistant has applied pressure to the shipping company, and their email has applied more pressure to the company that I ordered the product from. So now I play that patient waiting game for a response from the company.

I will attempt to get an early night in the hopes that I won’t be so utterly exhausted when I get up in the morning, so I shall sign off for now.

Much loves,

James xx

New day, new job

Today marks the first day working for the new company. Trying to pull on minimal to no training of the new company prevented me from sleeping soundly last night. There is so much more that I need to know to be able to perform at a high level. Fortunately my new boss is understanding and will help at any point that help is needed.

I have made sure that I have taken my anxiety meds, and are currently wolfing down a bacon and egg muffin from the cafe downstairs with a coffee to wash it down. As far as I am concerned, I will be as prepared as possible for whatever today may throw at me.

So it’s lunch time, and I put myself into a break, to come back and find that the system had removed me from a break, resulting in me bouncing 17 calls in total, turning my stats into a horrible mess of underperformance. And this also caused me to run around trying to fix the issue, and not being able to go and get lunch, so I went lunchless today.

It’s now 9:21pm, and if only I knew what the afternoon had to bring. Gee whizz! There were customers of all sorts that came through including 2 people who were so distraught about the small delays in their internet installation that they became emotional wrecks including tears and stories about I had ruined their lives. No matter though, I am there to help people, and I took these in my stride.

*please note, I am battling typing this while Luna is giving me all the kisses and head boops, and is also attempting to help Dad type this. Thanks Luna!*

ANYWAY, I was an angry mess on the drive home, and I probably frightened my poor lesbian with the anger and frustration that poured out my face hole while attempting to evict the poison from my system.

The husuband was quite quiet tonight, so we basically sat in silence while watching How to Become a Murderer on TV which was fine for me as I didn’t infect her with the poison from my day.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t let work become your life. Leave your work at the office when you leave. Don’t take things personally at work.
All very practical and sensible things to say to avoid becoming a bitch outside of work. But not so practical in reality for an empath. As an empath I feel everything deeply, whether intended directly at me or not. I constantly try to do the best for other, and even defend other people (including the company I work for). Even to the point that I almost always forget to look out for MY best interests, and defend myself.This is something that needs to change.

I need to learn to put my feelings and care for others aside when it isn’t needed, and look out for myself and remember that I am number 1, and I can’t help others unless I am in a good place. Today, at work, was a good example. Work caused so much rage inside me as I was looking out for the company I work for, and also the customers best interest, without looking after myself and leaving work at the door. This soaked through into my personal life, and I need to stop this happening so that outside of work can be a sanctuary. MY sanctuary. Where no one can make me feel a way that I don’t want to feel. Because lets face it, who in their right mind wants to be filled with resentment and contempt at situations that don’t require these feelings. And these feelings are plain and simply destructive to myself, and others.

I got my camera back from daughter dearest on Sunday, and need to get batteries for it so that I can start taking photos of the beauty that presents itself in my life. Whether that be a pretty flower, a nice view, or the brilliance that are friends.These I will put into my blog to bring beauty and light into the darkness and remind myself that not everything in the world is terrible. They will also be a nice thing to look upon and see if my perception of beauty in life develops and grows (and also if my camera skills improve :P).

May you find something beautiful in today,

James xx

We’re going to the zoo, zoo, zoo

Today was exhilarating. Woken up at 6:07am by a high maintenance kitten wanting attention. Followed by getting back to sleep until around 10am. When I woke, I could see the sun, and before I knew, I was off to the zoo with Moriarty.

We arrived at the zoo, and started making our way around. We visited a few exhibits before the weather started spitting. We continued on our way through the zoo and the spitting stopped. Some sparks flew with some playful bumps and leaning into each other. We went into the kiwi cave, and when we came out, the weather had packed it in and it was pouring down. I was hungry, so we made our way to the café for some lunch. After a disappointing quesadilla, we decided to continue and finish the zoo as the raining had subsided. We walked over to the otters, who were sitting in a group and screaming at the rock wall, and the rain started to fall. Moriarty and I smiled at each other and ran to the cheetah’s exhibit. Fortunately for us, one of the cheetahs was sleeping, curled up on a cushion right next to the enclosures glass. We marvelled at its beauty, and moved on. Back into the rain, we finished the remainder of the zoo, and headed back to the car.

The evening consisted of normal Sunday ‘Family’ Dinner and the husuband and I made a thick vege soup with ox tail, accompanies by garlic rosemary focaccia. YUM!

After everyone has gone home, I fell back into the lonely trap, and I retreated back into my room. I watched a few YouTube videos, and trolled through Facebook for a while, I came to the realisation that Facebook isn’t entirely healthy, especially for someone who is in crisis. People paint a picture on Facebook of how they think people would want to see them, and not how their life actually is, and this is the sham. In reality everyone has issues, but no one shares that. So all you get through trolling through Facebook photos is a sense of jealousy at how awesome other people’s lives are, when in reality, they are only showing the things you want them to see.

A workmate of mine has started gathering resources and research on mental health in New Zealand, and the facilities available to people who are in need, and will be doing a documentary on this. This made me smile, and I put my hand up to help out in any way possible. By doing this, I have found some amazing resources available to the public (to add to the list of a few that Mistress has given me already), and some that I know I will be using in the suture if they are needed.

I find myself making far too many spelling mistakes while writing this, so that is an indication that I should be heading to the land of nod. I shall write again tomorrow, and as many days after that that I have things to say or express.

Sweetest Dreams, or have a wonderful day,

James xx