Long Overdue

In a past time of my life, I worked at the cafe of the Auckland Art Gallery. Our team was the first team to operate the cafe after the gallery had been refurbished. It was amazing when we first went to the gallery to check out the cafe. It was before the art gallery was re-opened, and there was still construction work going on.
The cafe was beautiful! And the team that I worked with was, for the most part, awesome people. Sadly, once I left the cafe, life kicked into overdrive, and it resulted in me losing contact with everyone from the cafe.

I had a beautiful moment the other day while I was listening to Spotify. While going through the Discover Weekly playlist, Fuck the Pain Away, by Peaches, came on. I happened to check Facebook, and Facebook suggested one of the cafe staff that I was good friends with. I had her on my old Facebook, but when I created a new Facebook, I hadn’t remembered to add her. At this point, I hastily friend requested her.She accepted, and we started chatting again. We ended up meeting up for a drink and long overdue catch up last night.

Fanny and I sat at The Attic in Mission Bay, me with wine, and her with beer, and we just talked. Reminisced about the good old days at the cafe, talked about what had happened over the last 3 years of lost contact, and just laughed about being back with each other.
She had dinner, and I perved at the INCREDIBLY good-looking American waiter. The unfortunate thing about going to The Attic is that I am well-known there by the staff due to the frequent visits from The Asian and I. So I walked in and the hot American asked if he should pour up a tequila shot, making me look like an alcoholic in front of Fanny. She didn’t mind though, and I explained to her that The Asian and I normally have at least 1 tequila shot when we go there.

Once back at home, and fairly tipsy, I told the Husuband about my evening, and then headed to bed.

While drifting off to sleep I was thinking about how funny it is that there are people who you can go for years without seeing or talking to, and yet when you see them again, it is like no time has passed. Those are the true friends and relationships that I want my life to be based on.
One of the other people in my life like this has been a part of my life since primary school. We were best friends at school, and when I moved primary schools, we lost contact for a few years until I saw her on Facebook while living in a youth facility for people who are a danger to themselves. I added her on facebook and we started talking. After a wee while of chatting, I told here about my situation at the time, and she came and visited me at the facility regularly. The only person to regularly come and visit me. Since then, we have lost contact and regained it many times. And the greatest things is that everytime it is like we spoke last week. I love Chanelle (and her son) for ever, and for always ❤

Much love,

James xx

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The Power of Passion

It never ceases to amaze me how we can sometimes lose touch with the things that we love doing, and not realise it. The follow up to this is when you find someone that has the same passion, and it throws some fuel on the slowly dying embers to create a fire. 

This morning followed the same pattern as the last few, and was relatively easy (minus the part where my body screamed “WHYYYYYYY” when I tried getting out of bed). I decided to stop and get Burger King for breakfast (a healthy breakfast kickstarts a productive day 😝). I consumed at my desk and said good morning to my friends, and smiled to those who I am not so well aquatinted with. 

After a very interesting series of conversations with a noob at work, which ended with him saying that he was going to fire spinning after work, I messaged him this morning asking how it went. This started a conversation that continued the whole day on and off. It was awesome to talk to someone so rad, and just talk shit. 

I learnt a lot about the noob today, and he learnt a lot about me. We talked about his passion for circus arts, and I talked about mine, and my gymnastics past. The conversation moved through to me and my craft, and he asked if I would be able to make something that he had been looking at purchasing, and sent me a link to a website that was selling a multipurpose almost tool belt. The concept was awesome! It has pockets for a cellphone, a camera, a pocketknife, a pouch for fire poi, and a few other pockets for miscellaneous items. I took a look and the cogs started turning about how I would pattern and make it. Due to noob leaving the country in about a month, and me accepting his challenge, we became Facebook friends to keep in contact once he was gone. 

Through the space of the conversation that we had throughout the day, he had restarted the fire for both sewing and circus without even knowing he had done so. 

So tonight I shall start patterning the storage belt thing for noob, while sitting in splits in my room to retrain my flexibility. 

With regards to work, there was nothing especially bad that happened. I had a great ongoing conversation with The Face today as she had found a Facebook post about taking movie titles and replacing one word in the movie title with the word ‘Fanny’. So we spent most of the day firing hilarious movie titles at each other, and had each other in fits of laughter to the point of tears.

I went and visited Moriarty at work during my lunch break, and looked at fountain pens. 

ENTER THE UNIVERSE: THE BEST ACCOUNTANT IN THE WORLD. 

I attempted to log into my mobile banking to check funds for fountain pens, and much to my dismay, mobile banking was down, resulting in the inability to check fundage for fountain pens. After visiting Moriarty I walked back to work and on the way, saw that the Bernina store was open. HEAVEN. I walked into the store and immediately regretted in due to the amount of craft things they had that I could not purchase. Again, leaving another store in dismay. 

Enter another appearance of Moriarty. I bumped into him on the way from the Bernina store to work and had another chat. 

Back at work I dove back into phone calls and the movie title game with The Face. The arrival of 4pm and alcohol was a welcome arrival, and I got myself a glass of sparkling rosé. 

At 7pm, I hitched a ride to the bus stop, and managed to get there in time for the fancy double decker bus. I got on the bus and headed to the second level. I then noticed the glowing USB ports in the back of each chair. AMAZE. This allowed me to give my phone an extra 18% battery to continue with the blog! GREAT SUCCESS. 

So here I am, waiting at the bus stop for the second bus home, anticipating the somewhat comforting strain of flexibility training, and creation of a pattern for a new craft project. I am thinking that I will start another page for my blog associated to this for my craft ventures and progress of flexibility, but that is something I shall decide on completely another day. 

Much love,

James xx

Friday Fun-Day

After a fair sleep in and doing some unexciting personal things, I am heading off into town to meet the husuband for a few drinks before going to Mistress’ leaving drinks. Tonight will be out of the house, and social! So much looking forward to this. There is anxiety and some stomach sickness regarding leaving the safety of sanctuary at home, but it’s a step in the right direction, and that is always good.

I enjoy leaving the comfort of home and comfortable clothes occasionally, for the sole purpose of the reactions that people give when they see my bright purple hair. The wonder, the happiness and joy, and sometimes disapproval. I take it all in my stride because I know that I am happy with how I present myself, and there is nothing offensive about how I dress, or my hair colour.

Walking into the husuband’s work, I breathe a sigh of relief as people here know me, and I am safe with my husuband. The smiles and catch ups that I get, are amazing, and make me feel at home. We sit scrolling through her Facebook feed and the laughter ensues.

Drink:

  • Isaacs Original Cider

The husuband has excellent sounds in her motor vehicle and we are blasting music while belting out singing. Picked up the husuband’s side chick, and head off to the bar!

Drink:

  • Isaacs Original Cider

Now nicely settled at The Zookeepers Son. So many hot boys at the bar, and none for Gretchen Wieners 😭

Drink:

  • Rum and coke

The beer batter fries at The Zookeepers Son are amazing! And their aioli is perfect. The company is not too bad either 😜 The interesting thing for me is that the environment made a difference to me. I was around people who I am super comfortable with, the environment of being in a very busy bar with strangers all around made some anxiety rare its ugly head. I nipped it in the bud, and continued to socialise. Great success! Fortunately for me, my ride home rivalled me for exhaustion, and she dropped me home.

So here I sit, home alone. Luna running around like a psycho, and safely under my rainbow blanket. I will be watching C.I. until I fall asleep.

Much love,

James xx

We’re going to the zoo, zoo, zoo

Today was exhilarating. Woken up at 6:07am by a high maintenance kitten wanting attention. Followed by getting back to sleep until around 10am. When I woke, I could see the sun, and before I knew, I was off to the zoo with Moriarty.

We arrived at the zoo, and started making our way around. We visited a few exhibits before the weather started spitting. We continued on our way through the zoo and the spitting stopped. Some sparks flew with some playful bumps and leaning into each other. We went into the kiwi cave, and when we came out, the weather had packed it in and it was pouring down. I was hungry, so we made our way to the café for some lunch. After a disappointing quesadilla, we decided to continue and finish the zoo as the raining had subsided. We walked over to the otters, who were sitting in a group and screaming at the rock wall, and the rain started to fall. Moriarty and I smiled at each other and ran to the cheetah’s exhibit. Fortunately for us, one of the cheetahs was sleeping, curled up on a cushion right next to the enclosures glass. We marvelled at its beauty, and moved on. Back into the rain, we finished the remainder of the zoo, and headed back to the car.

The evening consisted of normal Sunday ‘Family’ Dinner and the husuband and I made a thick vege soup with ox tail, accompanies by garlic rosemary focaccia. YUM!

After everyone has gone home, I fell back into the lonely trap, and I retreated back into my room. I watched a few YouTube videos, and trolled through Facebook for a while, I came to the realisation that Facebook isn’t entirely healthy, especially for someone who is in crisis. People paint a picture on Facebook of how they think people would want to see them, and not how their life actually is, and this is the sham. In reality everyone has issues, but no one shares that. So all you get through trolling through Facebook photos is a sense of jealousy at how awesome other people’s lives are, when in reality, they are only showing the things you want them to see.

A workmate of mine has started gathering resources and research on mental health in New Zealand, and the facilities available to people who are in need, and will be doing a documentary on this. This made me smile, and I put my hand up to help out in any way possible. By doing this, I have found some amazing resources available to the public (to add to the list of a few that Mistress has given me already), and some that I know I will be using in the suture if they are needed.

I find myself making far too many spelling mistakes while writing this, so that is an indication that I should be heading to the land of nod. I shall write again tomorrow, and as many days after that that I have things to say or express.

Sweetest Dreams, or have a wonderful day,

James xx

Flowing River, Gentle Stream

As I headed to work yesterday for the last day for my current company, I had feelings of dread, panic, and a little excitement at the new things to learn.

For the most part, the people that I have worked with for my now ex-company have been awesome, and I will miss working with them dreadfully. There are a few people that I am not sad to be leaving though.

I dove into my work day with hope that the day would follow suit with the previous day. I continued with the change that I had made to the programs that I use for work so as to prevent stress and anger, and this worked like a dream.

Due to the nature of the industry and role that I work in, the majority of the people I speak with are unhappy, or have a sense of urgency for a product that is not a life necessity, and this saddens me. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that in some legitimate cases, a phone line is a life necessity, and I will do everything within my power to ensure that the phone line is connected for a medic alert bracelet, or for people who need a phone line for medical emergencies, but I will not push things if you are an ass hole to me, and are only desperate for the internet so that you can download the latest episode of Game of Thrones or scroll through Netflix. The telecommunications industry is one that not a lot of people understand, and don’t want to understand. It makes me wonder when we stopped going out and doing things. Going to the beach, visiting friends, having a hobby or skill with our hands. For instance, I have a plethora of crafting equipment. From wool, to cotton, to fabric, to paint and canvas, right through to wire and resins.
You will often find me on the couch at home after work cross stitching or crocheting.

I had a dream of starting my own craft company as I have the skills and abilities to make a range of items from all types of hand crafts. But much like the other dreams and aspirations in my life, I had to put this on the back burner until things settle down and I have the mental capacity to make it happen. Until that point, I am happy with making things and giving them away, and even having some things commissioned as I did for a wedding a few weeks back.

Crafting for me is therapeutic. Taking ordinary materials, and turning them into something beautiful. That is what I hope to do with my life one day. Take the ordinary pieces that make up me, and turn them into something beautiful. Something of awe to someone, who will want me as their own.

It’s funny how moments of clarity peak through the canvas of darkness and pain sometimes. These are the moments that restore the fight within, and keep you pushing through. These moments of clarity will come and go, but are always worth the time in the darkness.

To-da-loo,

James xx

New day, new attitude

I went into today with a newfound sense of clarity. The last few days have been a whirlwind of negativity and toxicity. With the morning, came the outlook of me being me, and needing to look after my best interests instead of those of anyone else’s. I know that may sound stupid, but generally, the choices that I make are made to benefit someone else. And by doing this, I diminish my true self into the deep and dark depths of the meat suit that I inhabit. The difficulty with this is that while my true self is caged within, it festers and becomes sick until it explodes into a tsunami of self-destruction that I can only sit back and watch.

I made my way to work, and plugged into Spotify, listening to an empowering playlist. Typical James then went into ‘LOOK AFTER AND CARE FOR ALL THE THINGS’ mode. So I nipped it into the bud and pulled an amazing workmate and friend aside to talk through how I was feeling. We discussed the best course of action to deal with the issue that was upsetting and angering me, and I decided that the best way for me to deal with the situation was to block everything out and close the program on my computer that allowed me to see the phone queues, and what everyone is logged into so that it is not on my second screen, luring me into the stress and anxiety of making sure other people are doing what they should be doing. This was the BEST choice I made today, and worked wonders. It allowed me to focus on what I was doing, without the temptation to monitor everything.
AND THE UNIVERSE REWARDED ME.
I worked like a well-oiled machine, and maintained a smile on my face the majority of the day. My productivity went through the roof, and there was idle time for me to relax as much I possibly can in a work environment. I left work knowing that I had looked after myself and did what I needed to.

To reward myself for the success of the day, and taking a chance on changing the way that I approached the day, and maintaining the decision that I made, I bought myself some new metal for my face (read this as new jewellery for my labret piercing).

Rain fell hard and fast on the drive home from work, and I smiled.

Upon getting home I curled on the couch and watched TV with the husuband. There was one small setback for today as I found out that one of my flatmates (and a good friend of mine) has decided to leave, meaning we need to find a new flatmate L This put me in an introverted mood due to sadness, but this passed.

I then had the pleasure of helping a friend who is very special with me, and share an amazing motivational video that I found, and believed I helped to calm her, and make her smile again. This was the highlight of the day. I love you so much, Mistress ❤

So from today, I can see that the steps I am choosing to make will help deal with the internal battle that I face on a daily basis, and will hopefully lead to a much happier and more fulfilling life.

BRING ON THE SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS.

You are all beautiful and I love you,

James xx

Persistance and Patience

Today was a day. No huge setbacks like the last few days, so I count that as a win.

Don’t get me wrong, there were setbacks, but remembering the Circle of Influence allowed me to take the setbacks in my stride and get on with my day. I am attempting to not let everything bog me down and keep me from taking steps forward, not matter how small the steps are.

I made it through the day doing what I needed to do, while the universe threw a few curve balls at me. Throughout the day I culminated a list of areas that that had training gaps as the nature of our role at work has evolved into something the requires us to understand the products, process, and everything that comes with an entire company worth of knowledge. This was after a mere 6 hours of training, so there are quite a few things that we have yet to learn or be told.

The difficulty in being thrown in the deep end is that you either drown, or rely heavily on others for assistance while gaining all of the new skills that are required to perform in the evolved role to a high standard. While relying on others so heavily, it is a mission to put the feelings of being a burden to rest and allow me to be able to ask the things that I need to.

A win that I recognise today is that the people that I have to rely on heavily are all kind, patient, and understanding of the fact that that we were thrown into the hustle and bustle of the new role with minimal training.

I have struggles with trying to focus on the positive moments that happen during the day, and not focus on the negatives. This is something that will take a while, and if I can think of one thing that happens during the day that provides me with a smile, I will share this in the hopes that I can watch the one thing turn into two, then three, and one day I will be able to come up with more positive things that happened in the day than negative things. And I will hold onto it with all my heart.

I noticed yesterday that I went the whole day without eating. This is a common theme within my life, and I can tell when the stress and anxiety becomes enormous as the eating stops. The positive that I see in this is that I can see that it is happening, and this is not something that I normally do, and is normally something that someone points out to me. Having recognised this today, I made more of an effort to make sure that I ate something. Now it wasn’t much, but it is something, and even a little is better than nothing.

Eating issues is one of the bad habits that I have unfortunately allowed to continue while getting rid of a lot of nasty, nasty demons. When looking at the demons that I have banished from my past, eating issues is something very minor as it can be monitored and kept on a leash when needs be.

I was scared that my blog would turn out to be something evil and destructive, and I was reminded a very good friend of mine that what I am doing with my blog is exactly the way it should be (Thank you and much love, Mistress):

Number 1

Number 2

So I shall keep doing what I am doing, and watch my blog grow and develop the way that it should, and the way that the universe and my feelings take it.

Much loving things,

James xx