Another day, another dollar

As I wake up each day and head to work for day after day of the same bullshit, the day of being screwed draws closer. And as it draws closer, I shrink further into the dark and comfortable hole of myself. Drifting through to the inevitable next episode of anxiety, and hoping that I have shrunk into myself enough to maybe contain the explosion. The reality has become clear that my while my medication seems to help with day to day functioning, what my life has become is not longer able to be controlled by my current medication. As a result, I will need to go to the doctors next week to change my meds. This will involve having to talk through everything with the my doctor, and that thought makes me want to just continue hiding.

Today is brought to me by a song called Mayday, by Wild Rivers. While it is a chilled and relaxed song talking about hard times, it provides comfort to my heavy feeling soul.

It has now reached 4 pm, and that means drinks at work. Even though I still have 3 hours of work to go, then a 2 hour trip home. This provides some relaxation as the alcohol warms me, and relaxes the senses.

I have been invited to go out for dinner after work, and the idea sounds great! The reality is that my insides are screaming and protesting. As I need to put myself out there in order to become better, I will accept the invitation if at all possible.

 (This is now the next day because I got way tipsy, and then lazy)

I ended up going out last night. I finished just over a bottle of wine prior to going to Madam Woo. That meant I was a slightly tipsy, making it easier to be social. The three of us talked and laughed in a bustling restaurant. After a couple of hours, K-Face dropped me home. This was awesome because it gave us the opportunity to just talk between the 2 of us. 

Once inside at home, I felt exhausted and sensitive, so headed to bed. Husuband and I will be going shopping shortly, so I shall write later.

Much love,

James xx

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Winter Woes

As the weather becomes colder due to winter approaching, as do the Winter Woes. More blankets are welcomed onto the bed, heater is plugged in and ready to turn on when needed, Luna cuddles in under the blankets instead of on top, and the night-time loneliness with no cuddles becomes a whole lot more real.

I have been absent the last few days as the early morning, and late home, has got to me, and culminated into another perfectly timed anxiety episode. This time, it happened to be during a call. The tears started rolling, the voice started wavering, and the mind blanked. To help the situation, even if my mind hadn’t blanked, I wouldn’t even have known what to do due to the sizeable training gap missing from the array of information that I already possess.

There are still plenty of uncertainties that are alive and active in my mind, and I have arrived at the point when I need to put them aside, knowing that there is nothing more I can do at this stage, and start focusing on something else. What it WILL be that I focus on is not certain at this stage.

My minds is mostly blank tonight, so I will try and write something more extensive tomorrow.

Love,

James xx

Hello? Yes, this is Anxiety

This will be an interesting blog for me to write as the throws of anxiety are in full force, and creating a tsunami of havoc internally.

This blog is written with tear filled eyes after a call to the Anxiety New Zealand help line.

It’s amazing how big things become when anxiety is involved. The mess it creates, and the other effects that the anxiety has stem further than the brain. For instance, this afternoon it caused waves of sick feelings, rapid speaking, and the shakes.
The result of this was me having to leave work for fear of throwing up, or crying on a phone call with a customer. Once home, I have crawled into bed, and spent the majority of the last 2 and a half hours on the edge of tears, and the remainder of the time actually in tears.

Side note, I have a watch-cat sitting on my knee giving me purring head boops as if to reassure me that everything is ok. She is a beautiful cat, and we have a special bond.

On the phone with the lady from the Anxiety New Zealand help line, we talked through my desire, and the necessity to establish some coping mechanisms to control and shrink the feelings of turmoil. She gave me a few things I can try, and these I shall list below. Both for myself in the future, and anyone reading this.

1. With closed eyes, breathe in deeply through my nose for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds, and breathe out slowly through my mouth for 3 seconds.
2. If something extra is required, (with eyes closed) clench fists while inhaling deeply through my nose, then slowly relax my fists as I exhale slowly through my mouth. Rinse and repeat for shoulders, stomach, thighs, and calves. Finished off by the whole body.
3. Mental visualisation. Close my eyes and picture walking through the forest, feeling the breeze, and hearing the trees rustle. Or picture walking along the beach with the warm sun beating down, and the feeling the sun underneath my feet.
4. The lady also suggested verbally acknowledging when I feel the anxiety coming on, and saying “Yes, this is anxiety. And I am in control of this. This will not beat me down.”
5. She also suggested writing down how I feel when the anxiety is coming, or is full throw. To allow me to get it out and unwind the tangle of mess in my head.

THIS is what I was looking for when I went to the work funded councillor. Some actual coping mechanisms to try. Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion that there is a quick fix to all my anxiety issues, and no mechanism that is universally magic at cooling the anxiety fire. I full understand and accept that anxiety is a journey, and with each journey, it is different for every person who stumbles along the path. What I plan to do is gather a collection of coping mechnisms and noting them down here for me to try, and also pass them on to others who may need them in the future. This way, I will be able to work out what works best for me, and what works for others may be available in my writings.

I appreciate every single person who reads this, and follows my journey. I understand those who read for the purpose of following what is happened, but would also appreciate messages from people with their journies, trials, and solutions so that we can walk hand and hand without feeling like this is something that we are dealing with alone.
I am also open to answering questions, and building friendships.
So don’t be scared to contact me through the blog. I will respond.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
– Reinhold Niebuhr

Much love,

James xx

New day, new job

Today marks the first day working for the new company. Trying to pull on minimal to no training of the new company prevented me from sleeping soundly last night. There is so much more that I need to know to be able to perform at a high level. Fortunately my new boss is understanding and will help at any point that help is needed.

I have made sure that I have taken my anxiety meds, and are currently wolfing down a bacon and egg muffin from the cafe downstairs with a coffee to wash it down. As far as I am concerned, I will be as prepared as possible for whatever today may throw at me.

So it’s lunch time, and I put myself into a break, to come back and find that the system had removed me from a break, resulting in me bouncing 17 calls in total, turning my stats into a horrible mess of underperformance. And this also caused me to run around trying to fix the issue, and not being able to go and get lunch, so I went lunchless today.

It’s now 9:21pm, and if only I knew what the afternoon had to bring. Gee whizz! There were customers of all sorts that came through including 2 people who were so distraught about the small delays in their internet installation that they became emotional wrecks including tears and stories about I had ruined their lives. No matter though, I am there to help people, and I took these in my stride.

*please note, I am battling typing this while Luna is giving me all the kisses and head boops, and is also attempting to help Dad type this. Thanks Luna!*

ANYWAY, I was an angry mess on the drive home, and I probably frightened my poor lesbian with the anger and frustration that poured out my face hole while attempting to evict the poison from my system.

The husuband was quite quiet tonight, so we basically sat in silence while watching How to Become a Murderer on TV which was fine for me as I didn’t infect her with the poison from my day.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t let work become your life. Leave your work at the office when you leave. Don’t take things personally at work.
All very practical and sensible things to say to avoid becoming a bitch outside of work. But not so practical in reality for an empath. As an empath I feel everything deeply, whether intended directly at me or not. I constantly try to do the best for other, and even defend other people (including the company I work for). Even to the point that I almost always forget to look out for MY best interests, and defend myself.This is something that needs to change.

I need to learn to put my feelings and care for others aside when it isn’t needed, and look out for myself and remember that I am number 1, and I can’t help others unless I am in a good place. Today, at work, was a good example. Work caused so much rage inside me as I was looking out for the company I work for, and also the customers best interest, without looking after myself and leaving work at the door. This soaked through into my personal life, and I need to stop this happening so that outside of work can be a sanctuary. MY sanctuary. Where no one can make me feel a way that I don’t want to feel. Because lets face it, who in their right mind wants to be filled with resentment and contempt at situations that don’t require these feelings. And these feelings are plain and simply destructive to myself, and others.

I got my camera back from daughter dearest on Sunday, and need to get batteries for it so that I can start taking photos of the beauty that presents itself in my life. Whether that be a pretty flower, a nice view, or the brilliance that are friends.These I will put into my blog to bring beauty and light into the darkness and remind myself that not everything in the world is terrible. They will also be a nice thing to look upon and see if my perception of beauty in life develops and grows (and also if my camera skills improve :P).

May you find something beautiful in today,

James xx

We’re going to the zoo, zoo, zoo

Today was exhilarating. Woken up at 6:07am by a high maintenance kitten wanting attention. Followed by getting back to sleep until around 10am. When I woke, I could see the sun, and before I knew, I was off to the zoo with Moriarty.

We arrived at the zoo, and started making our way around. We visited a few exhibits before the weather started spitting. We continued on our way through the zoo and the spitting stopped. Some sparks flew with some playful bumps and leaning into each other. We went into the kiwi cave, and when we came out, the weather had packed it in and it was pouring down. I was hungry, so we made our way to the café for some lunch. After a disappointing quesadilla, we decided to continue and finish the zoo as the raining had subsided. We walked over to the otters, who were sitting in a group and screaming at the rock wall, and the rain started to fall. Moriarty and I smiled at each other and ran to the cheetah’s exhibit. Fortunately for us, one of the cheetahs was sleeping, curled up on a cushion right next to the enclosures glass. We marvelled at its beauty, and moved on. Back into the rain, we finished the remainder of the zoo, and headed back to the car.

The evening consisted of normal Sunday ‘Family’ Dinner and the husuband and I made a thick vege soup with ox tail, accompanies by garlic rosemary focaccia. YUM!

After everyone has gone home, I fell back into the lonely trap, and I retreated back into my room. I watched a few YouTube videos, and trolled through Facebook for a while, I came to the realisation that Facebook isn’t entirely healthy, especially for someone who is in crisis. People paint a picture on Facebook of how they think people would want to see them, and not how their life actually is, and this is the sham. In reality everyone has issues, but no one shares that. So all you get through trolling through Facebook photos is a sense of jealousy at how awesome other people’s lives are, when in reality, they are only showing the things you want them to see.

A workmate of mine has started gathering resources and research on mental health in New Zealand, and the facilities available to people who are in need, and will be doing a documentary on this. This made me smile, and I put my hand up to help out in any way possible. By doing this, I have found some amazing resources available to the public (to add to the list of a few that Mistress has given me already), and some that I know I will be using in the suture if they are needed.

I find myself making far too many spelling mistakes while writing this, so that is an indication that I should be heading to the land of nod. I shall write again tomorrow, and as many days after that that I have things to say or express.

Sweetest Dreams, or have a wonderful day,

James xx

Saturday’s

Saturday’s are almost always my favourite day of the week. I can stay in bed as long as I like, and know that my routine will be waiting for me when I get up.
My routine when I get up consists of playful banter with the husuband, then off on a shopping trip for groceries and anything else we need to get. Today it consisted of some cool night lights that double as a torch.

Every week we do the same trip, with maybe a few stop offs. I never ever hate it. In fact, I love it. The ability to do the same thing, with the same person, and it never get old is amazing. The husuband loves it too as it is time that we can have together, without anyone else, and just talk shit.

This evening I have some pain. Pain that I feel is unjustified, but also not understood.
After several weeks of waiting for this evening, and an awesome night planned at a friend’s house, I am let down by a good friend who confirmed only a couple of days ago that we would be going, and I would be catching a ride with her. Just over an hour ago, when we were supposed to be leaving, my friend came over and says that we aren’t going because she has other things to do, then leaves to go to her partner’s house. This has left me with no option but to stay home due to the distance required to travel to the party, and the safety factor as it is now pitch black outside.
I understand that I should have checked this morning if we were still going, but at the same time, the plans had been set in stone for a couple of weeks.

So as I sit here tonight, my plans to make moves to put myself out and rebuild my self-confidence have been dash, along with the steps I had planned to make.

My evening will consist of watching Criminal Minds – Beyond the Boarders until I cannot deal with the day anymore, then I shall retire to bed.

Will write again tomorrow with my day.

Love always,

James xx

*deep breaths and tears*

Today was toxic right from the time of 7am. My day began when my ride to work fell through. The anxiety started, and I managed to sort that issue, and get to work on time. But that was just hump #1.

Hump #2 came in the form of a semi altercation with my manager who is only my boss for another 2 days now (3 when this occurred this morning). I raised an issue with her that has been an ongoing issue with another staff member not doing their job properly that seems to get no resolution. Having raised the issue multiple times, I chose to take a different approach to the situation. WRONG IDEA. I chose to take the approach that ‘what’s good for the goose is good for the gander’, and asked my manager if it was okay for me to do the same. I recognised immediately that I had said the wrong thing, and my boss reacted in a way that screamed that she was offended. But it didn’t stop there. Without raising my voice or threatening (not even a swear word exited my mouth!), I reminded her that she is still our boss for another 3 days, and should be ensuring that her team do their job properly. This only escalated the situation further. The I took it to the next level (stupidly), and told her that it didn’t matter as she had already checked out as our manager, and left the office for a cigarette. Once I had finished my cigarette, I went back upstairs and pulled my bosses boss aside and told him what had happened. As you can probably imagine, he was not happy and told me that what I had done was not appropriate. As I knew that I had done wrong, I listened to what he had said, and agreed. When the meeting finished, I went back to my desk, and started my day. 15 minutes later, my boss called me into a meeting room and said that what I had said to her was highly inappropriate and offensive, and said that I should never say that to anyone, whether it be my manager, a friend, or the man who cleans the rubbish of the streets. At this point I broke down and apologised. I admitted that I had made a huge mistake, and we patched up the wounds that had been caused.

We discussed the possibility of me making an appointment with the company funded counsellor to help deal with the anxiety that I am dealing with regarding the company changes that are occurring. I made an appointment for 1pm today, and attended the appointment.

And so comes hump #3. Surely you would think that a counselling service would provide adequate ability to assist with life issues, right? In this situation it appears that this was too much of an issue to for them to provide help with. I went into the appointment with an open mind, and hope that by opening up fully, I would be able to gain the assistance that I need, and some helpful coping methods. And so I opened up. Bled everything that is causing me stress and pain in my work life and my home life right now, while the tears flowed from heavy eyes. Then I waited for her to response. What the counsellor said to me shocked me, and I am still not sure how she can consider the things she told me useful for my situation and needs. All she advised me to do was to make sure that when I feel the anxiety intensify, ready to explode into the full blown chaos that I have somewhat become accustomed to, that I continue to breathe. She then told me that a hot bath with a magazine before bed will help relax me and allow me to sleep soundly. The next piece of advice that she gave me was to make use of my annual leave and take off days that I don’t want to be at work. The last thing that she said to me before the session ended was that the situation that I am in is a stale mate, and I just need to take things day by day. Literally nothing I didn’t know, and nothing that will help me with controlling the crippling feeling that I have.

Once back at the office, I was distraught, and my boss sent me home. As I sit at home, the tears are sitting on the verge of flowing hard and fast. Getting the situation out and put down on ‘paper’ has allowed me to somewhat clear my mind, but I am in desperate need of stability and support.

So I am officially back to step one with the anxiety, and having to come up with my own coping mechanisms through trial an error.

Today I am thankful for Hell Pizza, and my husuband. Hell Pizza and Husuband are my saving graces for this evening.

Love always,

James xx