You can’t save everyone

Anxiety takes you to daaaark places. So as an anxiety sufferer, I feel it’s my duty to help those in need, in the hope that one day they will help someone else who is in need, or even me when I am having a difficult time.

I was in a situation a couple of weeks ago where someone near to me was in real trouble mentally and emotionally. I pulled ALL resources I had, and found someone able to take me and collect this friend. We went to shisha, got burgers and some drinks, and sat at the beach talking, with the sound ocean ring through the darkness. While at the beach, I got a notification of someone posting on Facebook and checked to see what was happening. It was a veeery dark post from someone else reaching out for help. This person in based at the other end of the country, so all I could offer was support via private message. So while with two people at the beach, cheering one of them up and shooting shit, I was messaging this other person at the same time. Here is where it got sticky. The person I was messaging was way down the tunnel, with no possible sign of a light. In this situation I had resources available from the online variety as I could not be there in person. I sent through links to websites she could go to, gave her every exercise I know of to help calm down and take her mind off of what is going on, and reminded her of how beautiful and loved she is. And no matter what I said, or resources and help I provided, her thought and mood didn’t change. This fucking destroyed me as I had failed to ease the pain and hurt she was feeling. It made me realise that you will never win everyone, and not everyone can be saved by me. 

Since then, I have been handed a new contract that is $1 LESS per hour than what j am currently on, and steps me DOWN in what I do, making me wonder what I have done to be in this situation. So the job hunt will be on. 

I haven’t been having any luck on the love life front (including intimacy or fucking), and that’s a real kick in the teeth. I am left with the feeling of complete failure as a person. First: I wouldn’t ease someone’s pain and make them feel better, second: I have been demoted for no reason or explanation, and third: single and loveless. 

I sit here right in this moment wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! What did I do that was so bad to be here? Where to from here? How can I make things better? Yet at the same time the conflict comes in where I know there is nothing wrong with me, and I cannot shake the negativity feeling.

Sometimes those who are there for others are hurting, sometimes they need help, and most of the time they will never ask for help. But remember that there are people there to help you. 

Love,

James x

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