The year summed up

A lot of people have said that 2016 was the worst year in a long time. And up until several weeks ago I agreed. So you may asked what happened a few weeks ago that changed my mind. Well, I started to think about what had happened over the year, and how things were dealt with. And the thing I came to remember is that there are always two ways to look at situations. The first being focusing on the negative. For instance, this year has been the WORST anxiety on record in my entire life. The second way of looking at things is from a ‘what did I learn’ point of view. With regards to this year being a giant anxiety ass fuck, I can look back at the baaaaad episodes and go “I learned so many new coping methods for crisis episodes, I learned who are the best people for me to talk to when I feel crisis coming, I have finally found a cocktail of meds that is doing the trick”. Because if I had not come to thinking of the amount of things I learned this year, I would not be in the comfortable situation that I am in now. I was walking home from the city last night (out an hours walk) and it gave me time to recap over the past year. At first while walking I was angry because all of the taxis were busy. But once I started walking, I calmed down and was able to recognise that the weather was calm and warm with a gentle breeze, the walk is along the waterfront and safe, and it gave me time to think. 

When you live with anxiety it’s really fucking easy to let the negatives overthrow you thinking and make you forget the positives that you have experiences. This year I have survived two redundancies, I have become part of 2 new Facebook communities of amazing people, I have met people that I know will be in my life for years to come and constantly bring smiles to my face, I have finally become comfortable with throwing the family book that I had closed into the dark abyss.

This year has so much potential. There is always a big thing about New Years resolutions, and I find that I choose these grand resolutions that are never fulfilled. So this year I set an achievable resolution and that’s to gain 5kg. This is a daunting task with weight issues, but is definitely something that is manageable and can be done. 

Last night was spent at a meet up for one of the Facebook communities I have become part of for a New Years party. Normally my anxiety would have prevented me from putting myself in a situation where I had only met 3 of the people before, but in this case I am working on outing myself in situations that will push myself out of the comfortable norm that I am used to. And I am pleased to say that it was the best night out I have had with a bunch of strangers ever. There were so many lovely people, drinking games, selfies, introductions, cuddles, and just all around amazing environment. I am so glad I went, and look forward to going to many more meet ups and building solid friendships with the people I meet. 

Christmas was not spent with someone else’s family, but instead with my own built ‘family’ or amazing friends, in Tokoroa. Normally I spend Christmas with resentment buried deep inside as I see happy families doing things with each other, exchanging gifts, and appreciating their biological relationships, that I don’t get to feel or have the legitimate connection with. Christmas 2016 was the best Christmas ever. Just a group us in Tokoroa. Hanging out, drinking, and eating. We have also discussed this becoming an every year tradition and I would be over the moon if this is the reality. 

For now I shall get back to watching movies with Husuband, and will attempt to write each Sunday this year. 

Love always,

James xx

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