When the world is spinning at 100 miles an hour makes it really hard to remember to stop and do something different to distract yourself.

This blog is started at 1:46pm on a Thursday, from Gotham Cafe in Wellington. Next to me are a bowl of fried, a ‘gormet’ toastie, and a Heineken. I decided to sit and relax instead of wander around aimlessly and potentially cause anxiety flares. I am in a safe environment, close to the person I will be staying with on this trip, and just relaxing.

I’ll admit, it is rather peculiar sitting in a cafe by myself with food and my thoughts, so here I am.

Since last time I wrote a fair amount has happened, so i will go through what I can remember. When I left off last I was on my way to meet my Ouma.
We had planned to meet at the domestic terminal, but because I arrived early I decided to surprise her at the international arrivals gate. When she arrived her face lit up, and we made our way to each other, at which point we embraced for an extended hug in silence. As we pulled away the first thing she said to me was “You’ve lost weight”. This planted an anxiety seed inside about whether I had lost THAT much weight that it was noticable after 4 years of not seeing someone. In my head I tried to calm by telling myself that since last time we saw each other I had no facial hair, and my normal colour hair, so maybe it’s just something that she was mistaken about. The more I thought about it I realised that since the last time she saw me it has ben 4 YEARS, so the she has been holding onto the image of 21 year old James who is vastly different to 25 year old James that she was seeing now.
My ouma was always the ‘mean’ grandmother as she was super strict and always seemed to disapprove of everything that we did or said. 4 years ago she was quite different to what I remembered, and even this time she was even more relaxed than last time.
Anticipating only spending an hour or two with her, imagine my surprise when 6 hours later I was finally heading home. I told here everything about me and what I had been doing, basically re-intriducing myself to her. She listened carefully and when I made comments about how silly I was makiong this mistake, or doing that thing, she smiled and responded saying that they are part of growing up. The biggest surprise came for me when I had told her that I had quite smoking, and had been 2 months smoke free. Inner child James expected a disapproving look and a clip around the ear, but instead I was greeted with a giggle and her saying “You obviously forgot that I smoked for 12 years”. This conversation led onto my eating issues and anxiety, then onto my other Nana who is in hospital at the moment. She ended up sending me away so I would have rest time before Friday night of whatever happened on the last night of being 24.

Next I will move onto my birthday. Normally I chose not to do anything, but this year I planned to go to an attraction in town where they lock you in a room and you have to solve clues to get out. I went with 5 close friends and had a blast. In the evening we drunk and ordered pizza, and just chilled.

This trip to Wellington is mainly to see my Nana who is in hospital, so since I saw my Ouma she had blood fill her lungs, and one stopped functioning. The difficulty with this situation is that I have one avenue of trying to find out which hospital she is in as there is no one else that I could ask. So I will attempt to find out and visit her on Saturday.

I have also had the great luck of my permanent retainer snapping, so this trip to Wellington I have to decide between $70 to remove, or $440 to replace. This will ultimately be decided by whether the orthodontist will allow a payment plan or not. For now, I am going to find a massage.

Love always,
James xx


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