The feelings of fear ignighted anxiety have settled themselves in comfortably.

Currently sitting on a train on the way to a situation that I would never have thought I would put myself in again. Due to the Christmas period being right around the corner, I had expected that it would be a chilled out Christmas with my Build-A-Family, until I received an email from my Ouma (who currently lives in Scotland). She flies in to Auckland today and wanted to see me at the airport for the day before she flies to Wellington. 

At the time of this information coming through I was a content James, chugging through and felt like I was in an alright position to break the standard mold and spend the day with her. Since then it has been the lead up to my birthday which is always stressful and upsetting. Generally I don’t do much for my birthday, so hadn’t realised that the day Ouma flew in happened to be the day before my birthday. The closer it came to today the more stressed I became, and was at serious ‘bail from everything mode’ this morning which cause me to almost oversleep, and question whether to even get out of bed. 

With all the progress I have made recently, I feel like if I don’t do go and see my Ouma that I haven’t seen in 4 years, everything will have been in vain and I will revert right back to the old me that wouldn’t do anything or go anywhere. 

Will write more again later,

James xx

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