The Terrible Beauty of Anxiety

There are many things to despise about anxiety, but the one that bugs me the most is when everything seems to be going well and you are chugging along with a smile, and one thing happens that spirals everything way back down into the well that you have just fought to get out of.

For me right now, that one thing is something that is not only anxiety inducing, but also frightening beyond all measures. I am chugging along in life, we have a new puppy, I have been sorting out the work stress to a point where it isn’t exactly comfortable, but manageable, I am getting back into craft for enjoyment, and then I find out that my Nana has taken a fall and ended up with multiple broken ribs, a spinal fracture, and split her head open. She is currently in ICU.

I have never had a great relationship with anyone in my family, but my Nana is the one who has been the most kind and most like family to me.
The thought of losing the one person that I still consider as close family is petrifying for me.

While I know I am not alone with a beautiful support network around me, as well as a family that I have created, the possibility of losing the last biological family that I have anything to do with leaves me feeling VERY alone.
There are people I know I can talk to, and know will give me cuddles if I want or need them, but this is something that makes me feel isolated and like I just want to run and not come back.

Knowing my inner anxiety beast, I know that there are things that I need to do to ensure that I don’t completely spiral out of control and end up in a very bad place. It was commented to me by a couple of my friends that this blog is used when anxiety is bad, and that it has become an outlet when things are too much, and I can see this. For the most part since my last post things have been good. The beast has been under control and I have made leaps in the right direction for self acceptance and self confidence.

There have been more changes announced in the saga that is my work life, resulting in a second ‘redundancy’ in the last 6 months. The annoying this about this is the fact that while it is annoying and frustrating for me, I can see where the changes are coming from in terms of an organisational point of view, and they will make things better from a customers point of view. It will, however, result in me hating and having zero interest in a third of my job, with no control over this. After speaking with the manager of the team I was in for the business sector, there is a role coming up early next year that he would like me to apply for. The advantage of this is that I know the job, I know the company, and I know the people, and a new manager for that team. So this may be a good choice for me in terms of solidifying my feeling of security in my role.

I was relocated to the central city offices last week and the office dynamic here works so much better for the way I work best, but the business role is based back on the North Shore. I have many thinkings to do about this, but thankfully this can happen after Christmas as I am based in an office closer to home with a better office dynamic, and still in my current role.

In other news, things are moving slowly with a new potential, and right now that works perfectly for me. He is kind and caring, and very happy, so we shall see how this goes.

Now that the majority of my issues are written out I shall leave this here.

Love,
James

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