Pain and Sorrow

FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK CUNT.

So this morning marked the end of a relationship for me. It was great while it lasted, but much like the other relationships I have had that have ended, I seemed to be the main cause of the break up.

I do set shift work. One month on days, one month on nights. This is a set roster that I have no control over. This was not good enough for ‘M’. It meant that I was exhausted due to seeing him after night shifts, and when back on day shifts it took me a while to get back into the swing of things. I spent my available time and money on him, and this was not enough. It boiled down to me seeming uninterested as my work schedule is inconvenient.

With regards to flaws, everyone has them, and I am especially aware that I have quite a few. For example, I don’t tend to compromise things often. In terms of the relationship with M, I knew he wasn’t happy with my work hours, and NEWS FLASH, neither am I. The difference between M’s view on the hours and mine boiled down to me not liking the hours but knowing that it a part of my job so dealing with them, and M believing that I make a choice to do night shift, no matter how much I explained that it was not my choice. Now back to compromise/adjustment. Understanding that M didn’t like me doing night shifts as it made it a bit more difficult to see me as often as he wants, I started actively job hunting. At this point in my life of trying to control and master my anxiety, I only possessed the capacity to apply for internal jobs, none of which I was successful in (huge blow to the self-confidence). What hurt a lot about M’s reason for breaking up with me was the fact that I was doing what I could to change the situation to benefit us being able to see each other more.

Now I know that this is M’s issue and not mine, and there was more that he said that I won’t go into. But what he said put a massive dent in the self-confidence that I had built up over the last few months. The thing I am struggling with the most is that the issues are M’s alone, but he seemed to be able to turn them around and make them seem like my fault, and I know this, but anxiety brain flips into full steam ahead mode and questions EVERYTHING. Everything from finding things that he said that weren’t true, and seeing them as legitimate things when I should, to what I did wrong so that I don’t put myself in that situation again or do those things next time.

A downside to M doing this morning is that I had a couple of dear friends joint birthday dinner tonight. It was at a beautiful little Italian restaurant with a group of close friends. Having had things explode this morning meant that I sat mostly quietly at dinner with my legs jittering and wishing me to get up and just run from the anxiety that I was feeling about all my flaws and who at the table know those flaws and might be getting fed up with them.
Disadvantage of that is that I KNOW that they are the most awesome people who love me.
Plans after dinner were to go for a few drinks at a bar which I single-handedly destroyed by not being able to cope with public anymore and needing to come home. That was ok with people and instead they came back to husuband and my house to have drinks here, and I have sat in my room hiding from social interactions for fear of destroying it more by becoming emotional all over their faces.

I have sat in my room playing Slime Ranger, listening to Spotify, and now writing this feeling like utter dirt for ruining my now ex-relationship, and probably putting a dampener on an awesome night that could have happened had I been able to control my emotions and anxiety.

So between destroying a relationship and 2 friends birthday party I can’t feel much lower right now so am going to take meds and fall into a slumber hoping to wake up with fresh eyes tomorrow.

Sweet dreams beautiful world.

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