*deep breaths and tears*

Today was toxic right from the time of 7am. My day began when my ride to work fell through. The anxiety started, and I managed to sort that issue, and get to work on time. But that was just hump #1.

Hump #2 came in the form of a semi altercation with my manager who is only my boss for another 2 days now (3 when this occurred this morning). I raised an issue with her that has been an ongoing issue with another staff member not doing their job properly that seems to get no resolution. Having raised the issue multiple times, I chose to take a different approach to the situation. WRONG IDEA. I chose to take the approach that ‘what’s good for the goose is good for the gander’, and asked my manager if it was okay for me to do the same. I recognised immediately that I had said the wrong thing, and my boss reacted in a way that screamed that she was offended. But it didn’t stop there. Without raising my voice or threatening (not even a swear word exited my mouth!), I reminded her that she is still our boss for another 3 days, and should be ensuring that her team do their job properly. This only escalated the situation further. The I took it to the next level (stupidly), and told her that it didn’t matter as she had already checked out as our manager, and left the office for a cigarette. Once I had finished my cigarette, I went back upstairs and pulled my bosses boss aside and told him what had happened. As you can probably imagine, he was not happy and told me that what I had done was not appropriate. As I knew that I had done wrong, I listened to what he had said, and agreed. When the meeting finished, I went back to my desk, and started my day. 15 minutes later, my boss called me into a meeting room and said that what I had said to her was highly inappropriate and offensive, and said that I should never say that to anyone, whether it be my manager, a friend, or the man who cleans the rubbish of the streets. At this point I broke down and apologised. I admitted that I had made a huge mistake, and we patched up the wounds that had been caused.

We discussed the possibility of me making an appointment with the company funded counsellor to help deal with the anxiety that I am dealing with regarding the company changes that are occurring. I made an appointment for 1pm today, and attended the appointment.

And so comes hump #3. Surely you would think that a counselling service would provide adequate ability to assist with life issues, right? In this situation it appears that this was too much of an issue to for them to provide help with. I went into the appointment with an open mind, and hope that by opening up fully, I would be able to gain the assistance that I need, and some helpful coping methods. And so I opened up. Bled everything that is causing me stress and pain in my work life and my home life right now, while the tears flowed from heavy eyes. Then I waited for her to response. What the counsellor said to me shocked me, and I am still not sure how she can consider the things she told me useful for my situation and needs. All she advised me to do was to make sure that when I feel the anxiety intensify, ready to explode into the full blown chaos that I have somewhat become accustomed to, that I continue to breathe. She then told me that a hot bath with a magazine before bed will help relax me and allow me to sleep soundly. The next piece of advice that she gave me was to make use of my annual leave and take off days that I don’t want to be at work. The last thing that she said to me before the session ended was that the situation that I am in is a stale mate, and I just need to take things day by day. Literally nothing I didn’t know, and nothing that will help me with controlling the crippling feeling that I have.

Once back at the office, I was distraught, and my boss sent me home. As I sit at home, the tears are sitting on the verge of flowing hard and fast. Getting the situation out and put down on ‘paper’ has allowed me to somewhat clear my mind, but I am in desperate need of stability and support.

So I am officially back to step one with the anxiety, and having to come up with my own coping mechanisms through trial an error.

Today I am thankful for Hell Pizza, and my husuband. Hell Pizza and Husuband are my saving graces for this evening.

Love always,

James xx

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